Fertility, a story.

A story of love, loss and healing.

I was packing for a trip and my daughter was on the floor of the bedroom by the door. The sun was shining through, the flowers bloomed bright, my fountain was trickling and the air was just so warm. Watching her little body move as 6-month olds do, I had a pinch me moment. She’s mine. If I saw this vision 2 years ago when I was going through my battles and I could see a quick image of her sitting in this doorway -I think I would be okay back then. Even rewind 10 years ago when I was in my 20’s and I saw this picture, how proud would I be even not knowing the path it took to get there.

It got me thinking about fertility journeys and women and the things we go through as I have been through a lot. I spoke a little bit about it here, but I also kept so much of it to myself this time as it was probably one of the lowest points in my life.  I feel like when you are in something so deep it’s almost harder to talk about until you get out of it. I wanted to write it down and tell a little bit of my story because what more can I do but hopefully help someone else in their journey. Even if I can make them feel better for a slight moment. You can skip along if this has no interest.

I got married in 2019 and I was 32 years old. I spent my entire 20s working since the day I graduated college on my company . I had success with my career at an early age. I was traveling, dating, working late hours, going out all the time and really enjoying life to the fullest. My career was my life and I loved building something I was so passionate about during that time of my life. I didn’t have kids on my mind, just work. I met my husband when I was 28 and we fell fast in love. We bought our first house, I had great girlfriends and life was feeling good for the most part. Four years later we got married as it was the best day of my life like weddings usually are. I knew that after all of that planning and celebrating I wanted to try for a baby asap and settle down. I got pregnant on the first try.  

I went for my first scan and everything looked good with that beautiful little heartbeat. I was so nervous as the future was so unknown. I really didn’t know too much about pregnancy or newborns. I was truly more of a ‘dog-mom’ before this and didn’t have that strong desire to be a mother my whole life. To feel life growing inside your body and knowing my future would forever be different was just so wild yet exciting. Of course I started buying cute little baby clothes and day dreaming of their future room wallpaper design. I went in for my next scan at 12 weeks ready to do the gender test and chromosomal work. I sat there so excited to see this little heartbeat again, but this time they couldn’t find it. I remember him just saying “I’m sorry”. I then blacked out and went numb all over. A kick punch to the gut followed by stars in my vision followed by big alligator tears. I could barely walk. The feeling of loss was so immense for me. I ended up having to have a D&C. Getting put under and having it taken out of me. I remember the nurse asking me what my emotional scale was 1-10.  I wanted to say ZERO. How could you even ask me that, I am lower than a one! You are removing a child I wanted so bad that is inside of me.

It was an emotional recovery only to find out they didn’t remove it all and had to have another operation months later. I picked my self up slowly after six months of trying to figure this loss out and letting my body heal. I was trying to enjoy my first year of marriage as much as I could but I had this dark cloud surrounding me emotionally. Every month would go by and I would get another no on the stick. Until 8 months later I got pregnant again only to loose it at 7 weeks. I miscarried at home which was sad and painful. I felt my future slip out of me once again and deep worry set in. Is it me? Is it my body? I can’t do what I am here to do as a woman. Is my future a childless future?

I then started going to a fertility clinic. Educated my self, tested my self and my husband for everything. Every blood work, HSG test, every ultrasound you could think of. They couldn’t find anything so we decided to give IUI a try to speed up the process. I did Clomid followed by the ‘trigger’ shot and then the IUI . My hormonal body was going crazy only to find after 3 different cycles, that system wasn’t working for me either. Every negative test hurt after the months of build ups. I wasn’t ready for IVF but my deep need for a child was throbbing on my heart daily. All of my friends were getting pregnant around me and prancing around with their good news as I was sinking deeper and deeper into my losses.

A feeling I’ve never felt before. Obsessive thoughts and worry about my future and this dream and idea of a family I had in my head. Yet none of my friends or family have ever been through this so I had no one to relate or vent to. I truly think you don’t understand this feeling until it happens to you.  I gave it one more try to find out that in January 2020 I was pregnant with the one that stuck. They loaded with me progesterone and monitored me weekly as I watched my little baby grow. Because of my previous losses, I felt like he was going to be taken away from me the entire pregnancy. Three months into it Covid-19 hit the world, riots were happening around me, I locked my self in my house and just wanted to keep this baby safe inside me. My anxiety was at all time high.  Nine months later in September my son was due. I found out he was breeched at 38 weeks and ended up having a C-section. I did not care how this child was going to come out but I was knew I wasn’t going to take any sort of risks with a high risk labor of a breeched baby. I wanted him out and healthy as fast as I could to subside my deep anxieties by holding a child in my arms.  It wasn’t easy for me, there was no beautiful birth story or calm pregnancy but he was here. He was everything I waited for and I knew he was the one meant for me. Somehow it all made sense when I looked at him.

Fast forward  to a year and a half later,  was figuring out life as a new mom. Stressful yes but learning who I was again. A working mom.  It’s a new chapter of milestones, loneliness, sleepless nights and the biggest amount of love I have ever felt. I apologized to my sister for not being there for her more, as I had no idea the roller coaster of postpartum and motherhood was until I experienced it myself. You soon forget about the pregnancy aches and pains and the next minute you are chasing someone down the hallway and mushing up cooked carrots at night.  

For some reason in my head I thought that having a second would be so easy. My ‘factory’ was working now and it would just happen when I wanted. I was just getting into my groove of a working mom, covid was getting better in the world when I decided it was time for another.

I got pregnant again the first try. It felt good this time. Like I knew this feeling and it felt good to feel my body changing this time. I went to the Doctor at 7 weeks and my HCG levels were so low. I started bleeding that night. Another child, a third miscarriage weighed on me yet again. Thank God I had my son at home that this time it felt a little easier as I came home and hugged him so tight before this one left my body.

This year life was different.  I had a lot going on with a certain close relationship that was ending in an equivalent to a bad divorce and a death all at once. My grandma also had recently passed who I was very close with.  I’ve been through many things in my life, but 2022 was a hard, hard year. I was experiencing loss and betrayal in all areas in my life which made the miscarriages harder. I started going to the fertility clinic again as I wanted to be more proactive this time. I had really bad pains in my ovaries after that miscarriage that they started to think I had endometriosis. A hard thing to diagnose until you have surgery but I might of also had scar tissue from my previous C-section. I did several IUIs again, more tests, more tube clearing, and followed them with yet another miscarriage. A fourth now.

Was the weight of the stresses going on in my life preventing me from growing my family?

This time I decided to change my life and try to take a more holistic/spiritual route. I needed it for my heart and soul.  I started doing reiki sessions, acupuncture weekly and seeing several nutritionists.  I did extensive blood tests out there to find out which supplements I needed or allergens could be setting off my body. I read all of Amy Rupps books from cover to cover and did her fertility diet. I stopped drinking, I was taking 45 supplements a day. I stopped working out hard and eating gluten or sugar. I started regular therapy as well to talk through my life issues that were currently heavy on my heart. I needed a change and I wanted to enjoy the child I did have while trying to for another.  

Time went on, over a year passed and my stresses and desires to have another were just getting stronger. My obsessiveness for being healthy might of turned unhealthy. For some reason I was so worried about my age because of the things society tells you. I was 36 now. My husband and I decided to give IVF a try. We both don’t have jobs where insurance would cover it, so we dug into our savings and we were really trying to stay hopeful. It killed me, the expense of it all. Here I am stressing about infertility and now I have to max my credit cards too. I know it’s the most amazing technology we have that provides families for those who can’t, but the expense of it all (especially in Los Angeles) was a bit hard swallow.  

I started the medications, I shot my self in the stomach multiple times a day. I had my husband and my son involved so it felt like we were all doing it together. I was injecting myself in the car then walking into work meetings right after. I was bloated and emotional but I didn’t find it too rough like I read about.  I thought this was my answer. It will all be okay since i’ll have more embryos saved so I can possibly have a third baby with this system too. I was so ready to be done with people poking and prodding at my body daily for the last year. I thought I saw the light.

I went in for the surgery to extract my eggs. I had 22 follicles and the doctors were so positive about everything. I reacted well, it was quick and I was home. Only to feel extremely emotional after. They don’t really tell you that the after part is so much worse. The come down of the hormones, the belly pain, the ovary pain, the bleeding. I was in bed for days sinking deeper and deeper back into my depression after.

They pulled out 18 beautiful eggs. 18 beautiful opportunities for life. Even in my head I was thinking I could donate one to another woman in need. Laying in my bed my doctor called me the next day and I could tell instantly something was wrong by the tone of her voice. She said “I hate that I have to make this call. But I’m sorry Cydney, none of them survived.”  All 18 embryos the next day. They all just…died.  There goes my future. There goes my money. There blows out my light. Where do I go from here if even IVF wont work for me? I went deeper and deeper.

The next couple weeks were not good. I didn’t leave my room or talk to anyone. I had one million thoughts going through my head. Should I try again? How would I pay for this? Am I having one child and it will be okay, Cydney! Is it something I did? I blamed other people, the doctors, the lab, my emotional stressors of life. I can’t be healthy and make it happen, I can’t change my lifestyle and make it happen, and I can’t pay for it and make it happen. What do I do?  It felt like the emotional weight of 18 miscarriages on me. I know this all sounds dramatic but it did. We as women put so much pressure on ourselves.

I found this paper from when I was about ten that said “When I get older I want to have three daughters and live in a garden house by the sea with French doors and white flowers everywhere”.  I still wanted that dream to happen. My husband-bless him…Never questioned a bill, sat by my side and was positive the entire time. Pulled me out of bed a few weeks later and said we’re going to Mexico. You need to get out of Los Angeles, you need to get away from this bedroom, stop taking so many supplements, this just isn’t you, let’s just go be bad and drink and enjoy this beautiful child we have and forget about it all for a little. No matter what we have our health, each other and this beautiful life lets go have a break.

We did. I put my phone down, I tried as hard as I could to let it all go. Jump in the ocean, have tequila with my breakfast eggs, swim with my son and just try to let go and heal.

I found out I was pregnant 2 weeks after Mexico. Naturally. Was it the tequila, getting out of my rut, or being okay with just having my son?  Was it divine timing or was my grandma done holding her in heaven and ready to let me have my girl. I’m not sure. But she came in 2023 blue eyed, pale skin with the most gentle soul. Almost like she’s been here before…

I have friends who have had still births, I have friends who had losses, I have friends who have been trying for over ten years, I have friends who had their first right away and can’t have a second. I have friends who look at a man and they’re pregnant and I have friends who choose not to have children as well. So many women hide and hold in all the struggles of fertility and even motherhood. There’s some sort of shame in our bodies not preforming the way we think they should as women. Not until I was put into this space did I educated myself as much as I could. I wish I could tell myself it will all be okay no matter the outcome and believe it back then. That your story will be your story and it’s all in this funny thing called ‘time’. Time is a really fleeting thing, and it seems to speed up so much as you get older. Appreciate the things you have, the ones you love and try to let go.  This isn’t the end of my story, even though I have two children- I continue to heal from it all every day. Sometimes I want to run out my front door when everyone is screaming after a long day of parenting, but I remind myself where I was 2 years ago begging for this chaos. I love every second of it.

If you live in LA visit Andrea at Linden Acupuncture. She is a blessing from above.

Emotionally, Cyd