A note from a mother.

to you.

Just because its Mothers Day weekend.

A note, not for shopping but for breathing.

Relating to.

I found that this 6 months to a year has been the hardest phase of mothering for me. I just want to be honest. I found in motherhood that being blatantly honest and not pretending everything is perfect is so freeing. This s**t is so hard.

I’ve mentioned before we had to move after the Palisades fires to a new home, start a new life, new schools, new friends, new afterschool programs, new couches, new commutes, new silver-wear, new everything. I was running on adrenaline after January 7^th that I just focused on getting my life to feel as normal as it could be for my kids and forgot a little bit to take care of my self.

Months later, it’s hitting me a bit. I get waves of missing my daily drives down the pretty streets of Marquez and seeing the ocean sparkle. I miss my room and the way it felt with the air came in when all the doors were open. I miss the large grass area I hosted the kid’s birthday parties on and I miss seeing familiar faces I saw every day since my kids were born.

On the other hand, I have met so many new amazing women. Women I would have never met if I didn’t move. It may not be grass, but I have a pool now and that makes my kids sleep really well. I’m closer to my family which is really nice and our house now is much smaller which is so much easier to clean -and hey I love that for me. I’ve been in this phase of saying yes to everything, joining groups, signing the kids up for ALL of the activities and staying as busy as I can. Putting my self out there which has always been hard for me as an introvert. Maybe it’s a coping mechanism because if I stop, I think, and then it hits me. But I just keep going.

I joined a women’s group, which turned out to be religious based-per say. Which is wild if you know me. I did grow up very Christian and decided it wasn’t for me around age 16 when the establishments I was attending to I found cult like and not healthy (in my eyes). I never looked back unless sometimes the years of engrained “God guilt” crept in my brain from time to time in my 20’s. I said yes to this group with intentions of meeting friends and I realized it’s just a bunch of Mom’s, like me, going through the same daily things, trying to support one another. It was beautiful.

If you are a Sex and the City fan ( I could recite almost every episode) … There is an episode when Charlotte starts hanging out with lesbians- not because she is one but because she enjoys their company. Well they end up kicking Charlotte out because she doesn’t go down on women, which I don’t think this group will do to me if I’m not religious but it’s the same thing, I enjoy the company. I don’t have to be anything but me right now. I don’t need to categorize my self, but one category we can all relate to is MOM.

I’m finding my way in every aspect of my life and the biggest part is motherhood. I have a 1.5 year old who is an angel sleeper but started walking at 10 months and never stopped. She goes and goes but is also a dream. Asks me to go to bed which basically takes of 99% of motherhood…bedtime.

Then on the other hand I have this beautiful boy who I love immensely. He made me a mom which is the greatest gift. He was a little koala angel for 4 years but is now finding his voice. It’s a strong one. I got away with the terrible twos, the wacky three’s and four has been really new for us. I try to be as patient as I can- He went through just as much as we did. He never got to say goodbye to his house, he saw fire that day coming down the hill to his school as we all grabbed our children crying and screaming for our town. He hasn’t really seen his friends he saw everyday for three years straight since so many people spread out of California. Kids are so resilient, but they also are very aware. I couldn’t hide this situation very well and I don’t think I should have either. This is real life.

I went to a birthday party last week and had to pull him out early because of a tantrum. I was just so embarrassed in front of all these new people. I was trying to hold my shit together as much as I could but inside I just wanted to crumble. A baby on my hips and one flailing his body as I grabbed his arm tight and ran out of there. What was amazing was the amount of women who reached out after how they have been there, brought me his shoes or a piece of cake so he didn’t miss out. Everyone checked in on me- that is the motherhood I love. Supporting each other, knowing you are not alone in times of crumble.

I’m getting wordy now, like I always do- but my point is you are doing great. You deserve this day of appreciation, I know I do this weekend and I am not afraid to say that. Don’t forget to give your self a break where you can (i’ll take my own advice, too) and also be there for other mom’s. I am not one to wear a necklace that says mama but it truly is my greatest role in life. I learn from others each day and that I am truly thankful for.

Happy Mothers day - thanks for following along x Cydney

Photos for Oak Essentials (treat your self to this, NO joke is the best smell ever)

and Petite Plume Pajamas all by the lovely Ash Wilhardt.